För tårar är inte vackert, och dödsångest gör ingen glad.
Om det bara var mig du kunde se, om det bara vore som jag trott.
Men det är det inte.
För det är så många andra men inte jag.
Men för mig är det ingen annan förutom Du.
Men det är det inte.
För det är så många andra men inte jag.
Men för mig är det ingen annan förutom Du.
Och det är det som gör mig sömnlös nu,
för jag är helt ensam med mina känslor.
Det är ensidigt.
Och det är ensligt.
Det är ensidigt.
Och det är ensligt.
Och det gör ont...
One step forward, two steps back..
Ja, vad gör man?
Har kämpat i månader med mitt självförtroende, trodde jag fått upp det tillräckligt.
Jag har ändrat vanor jag varit van vid i åratal, jag har slutat göra vissa saker och börjat göra andra.
Jag har gått hos en psykolog.
Fått lugnande.
Jag har pratat ut med min mor om saker jag inte trodde jag skulle kunna prata om,
"fel"...
Jag är så jävla sårad just nu att jag inte förstår varför jag fortsätter.
Har kämpat i månader med mitt självförtroende, trodde jag fått upp det tillräckligt.
Jag har ändrat vanor jag varit van vid i åratal, jag har slutat göra vissa saker och börjat göra andra.
Jag har gått hos en psykolog.
Fått lugnande.
Jag har pratat ut med min mor om saker jag inte trodde jag skulle kunna prata om,
och jag har dagligen försökt och kämpat med att hålla inne ångesten.
Men det är klart att det sipprar ut ibland,
och det är klart att Du tycker det blir jobbigt.
Du ville att jag skulle ändra på mig - och jag har till 110% försökt nu.
Du blev arg på mig, den gången Du hävdade att jag "inte gjort tillräckligt" eller ja. Det har Du hävdat flera gånger nu. Och varje gång detta har påpekats, har Jag kämpat för att bli bättre.
Men det räckte inte. Jag är fortfarande dålig. Jag gör fortfarande fel, enligt Dig.
Men Du då?
Du lovade mig två saker i början av allt det här. TVÅ saker.
Och du kunde inte hålla någon av dem.
Eller hur?
Så varför är jag då så hemsk, som försöker dagligen - men bryter ihop då och då?
Fuck it.
FUCK IT!
Jag har fan kämpat i månader med att få UPP mitt självförtroende men nu är det i botten igen.
Du blev arg på mig, den gången Du hävdade att jag "inte gjort tillräckligt" eller ja. Det har Du hävdat flera gånger nu. Och varje gång detta har påpekats, har Jag kämpat för att bli bättre.
Men det räckte inte. Jag är fortfarande dålig. Jag gör fortfarande fel, enligt Dig.
Men Du då?
Du lovade mig två saker i början av allt det här. TVÅ saker.
Och du kunde inte hålla någon av dem.
Eller hur?
Så varför är jag då så hemsk, som försöker dagligen - men bryter ihop då och då?
Fuck it.
FUCK IT!
Jag har fan kämpat i månader med att få UPP mitt självförtroende men nu är det i botten igen.
För jag är ful på Insidan. Min Person. Den jag ÄR.
Oattraktiv.
Inte rätt person..
Oattraktiv.
Inte rätt person..
"fel"...
Jag är så jävla sårad just nu att jag inte förstår varför jag fortsätter.
Our life's chaos - Men jag älskar dig över allt annat, you you you.
Mardrömmar.
Nästan varje natt så härjas jag av någon form av mardröm. Oftast är det samma karaktärer som dyker upp fast på nya ställen eller i större/mindre former. En av dessa varelser ser ut såhär:
Ser inte allt för läskig ut här, kan vara därför jag inte är världsbäst på att rita heller.. Hur som, den här kvinnan skrämmer livet ur mig. Hon gör ingenting förutom att gå långsamt efter en och vicka lite på huvudet men fyfan. Hon slår allt när det gäller i att vara sjukt jävla obehaglig.
Så, mardrömmar.. Vad är värst egentligen?
Att bli jagad av något, skjuten i bröstet eller kanske överfallen.. ELLER att en till synes helt normal kvinna fast med lysande hålor istället för ögon går långsamt efter en..? I know what I'd pick..
Så, mardrömmar.. Vad är värst egentligen?
Att bli jagad av något, skjuten i bröstet eller kanske överfallen.. ELLER att en till synes helt normal kvinna fast med lysande hålor istället för ögon går långsamt efter en..? I know what I'd pick..
A swap of language, once again.
I do try my best to blog in English, but it's too goddamn hard.
I want to be able to post things that are happening in my life OR just random thoughts but..
In English I can't express myself as well as I can in Swedish. So from now on - sorry, it'll be in Swedish.
..Again. I always give up on English. Sorry!
I want to be able to post things that are happening in my life OR just random thoughts but..
In English I can't express myself as well as I can in Swedish. So from now on - sorry, it'll be in Swedish.
..Again. I always give up on English. Sorry!
Happiness.
When a day seems gray and there's nothing to do besides feeling blue,
I think about what makes me happy;
I have a boyfriend that loves and respects me.
A mother that's always there for me.
I have three cats that brighten my life.
I have not many, but a chosen few friends that are absolutely amazing.
I'm young and I have all of life ahead of me.
And finally, my past is in my past and all I have is the future - which will become whatever I turn it into.
I have a boyfriend that loves and respects me.
A mother that's always there for me.
I have three cats that brighten my life.
I have not many, but a chosen few friends that are absolutely amazing.
I'm young and I have all of life ahead of me.
And finally, my past is in my past and all I have is the future - which will become whatever I turn it into.
Job interview - Yay!
Was at a job interview yesterday for a job at a grocery store in Vattholma.. And it seems I'll get it!
I will know for sure on Friday, but it sounded really positive - So hold yer thumbs.
If I get it I will work at a lovely little place with a lovely little salary - could it get better? Yes it could.
They also pay for the bus/train rides = Awesome!
Can't be Friday soon enough..
I will know for sure on Friday, but it sounded really positive - So hold yer thumbs.
If I get it I will work at a lovely little place with a lovely little salary - could it get better? Yes it could.
They also pay for the bus/train rides = Awesome!
Can't be Friday soon enough..
Tattoo ideas.
I have a few tattoos already, but they're just the beginning. As soon as I get a job again, the ink and blood shall flow. Here's what's next on the menu:
This is just the first sketch I've done. Togheter with a friend of mine, and my tattoo-artist, I'm sure we'll make wonders. Where will it be, you might wonder? Well, let's just say it'll be in a spot where it will hurt as hell..
This is just the first sketch I've done. Togheter with a friend of mine, and my tattoo-artist, I'm sure we'll make wonders. Where will it be, you might wonder? Well, let's just say it'll be in a spot where it will hurt as hell..
Dreams and nightmares.
Last night, I had troubles falling asleep as usual.
And when I did I kept dreaming the strangest things.. And terrifying things.
The one I recall the most was a dream, that in it.. I had become single, and was lonelier than ever. I had moved back to Harbo and no one cared. The sky was white, just as the ground and people that walked me by - not white as snow, more white as things that shouldn't exist. And as I walked by those empty faces, emotions crept up through my spine, and I woke up - terrified.
Altough I just had to turn around and see Joel's back as he was sleeping calmly to feel at ease. I wasn't alone, and I wouldn't be anytime soon. So, I fell asleep again..
And when I did I kept dreaming the strangest things.. And terrifying things.
The one I recall the most was a dream, that in it.. I had become single, and was lonelier than ever. I had moved back to Harbo and no one cared. The sky was white, just as the ground and people that walked me by - not white as snow, more white as things that shouldn't exist. And as I walked by those empty faces, emotions crept up through my spine, and I woke up - terrified.
Altough I just had to turn around and see Joel's back as he was sleeping calmly to feel at ease. I wasn't alone, and I wouldn't be anytime soon. So, I fell asleep again..
Latenight's thought's..
I sit here and wonder, what is loyalty when it comes to friendship? What do you need to do, avoid doing and never-ever do to be loyal? Keep secrets - or tell them for the benefit of the situation? I don't know. All I know is this:
When someone I hold dearly seemingly start a path towards bad things, I try my best to steer them into another, better direction. But sometimes people just don't want to be told what to do - they just want to know that whatever they're doing, You as a friend will still be there. And sometimes, it's very very hard to be that friend. Life's been rough and all, but I've ended up pretty okay. Okay enough to know when something's going to hell..
So here I sit, knowing someone I care about is about to do a really stupid choice.. And what I can do? Absolutely nothing.
When someone I hold dearly seemingly start a path towards bad things, I try my best to steer them into another, better direction. But sometimes people just don't want to be told what to do - they just want to know that whatever they're doing, You as a friend will still be there. And sometimes, it's very very hard to be that friend. Life's been rough and all, but I've ended up pretty okay. Okay enough to know when something's going to hell..
So here I sit, knowing someone I care about is about to do a really stupid choice.. And what I can do? Absolutely nothing.
Valentine's Day / One year w Joel
Yesterday it was February the 14th, known as Valentine's Day.
One year ago me and Joel sat in his apartment, and even though we didn't celebrate Valentine's day much that year, we got aware of the feelings we had towards one another and became a couple.
This year, yesterday - we celebrated. Not the saint, Valentine, but just the little fact that we've been togheter for a whole year. It's been chaotic and sometimes, not pleasant. But where there's love, beauty will grow. And as it's grown, so has our love. And I do think both of us look ahead, seeing a bright future.
I don't know why, but I was nervous all day. Perhaps because one year sounds like so much, feels like so long but is just the start of something even longer.
When Joel came home, we cuddled up and kind of exchanged gifts. What I got from him was one of the most romantic things I've experienced.. He cooked us a dinner, but not just any dinner. The very particular recipe of the first meal we had togheter at his place.. Only a tad refined, as he made his own pasta for the dish this time. For dessert, he made a white-chocolate cream with berries, just like the one he had made the first time.. Only with some various fruits form other desserts we've come to enjoy togheter.
Love - not that easy to come by, so hold on to it.
<3
One year ago me and Joel sat in his apartment, and even though we didn't celebrate Valentine's day much that year, we got aware of the feelings we had towards one another and became a couple.
This year, yesterday - we celebrated. Not the saint, Valentine, but just the little fact that we've been togheter for a whole year. It's been chaotic and sometimes, not pleasant. But where there's love, beauty will grow. And as it's grown, so has our love. And I do think both of us look ahead, seeing a bright future.
I don't know why, but I was nervous all day. Perhaps because one year sounds like so much, feels like so long but is just the start of something even longer.
When Joel came home, we cuddled up and kind of exchanged gifts. What I got from him was one of the most romantic things I've experienced.. He cooked us a dinner, but not just any dinner. The very particular recipe of the first meal we had togheter at his place.. Only a tad refined, as he made his own pasta for the dish this time. For dessert, he made a white-chocolate cream with berries, just like the one he had made the first time.. Only with some various fruits form other desserts we've come to enjoy togheter.
Love - not that easy to come by, so hold on to it.
<3
